I purchased a brand new blackberry today. I upgraded from 1995 to 2010 in one short morning adventure. I am blogging from it now.
Slowly Progressing 2 Something New. November 16, 2009
Jake called me Tuesday to come hang out and float to the sky at Drew’s. i happily accepted the invitation. We sat in drew’s living room for hours. In front of our friends he put his arm around me… now this has to mean something. He isnt the type of guy to through arms around girls … he came over the next night and we cozied on the couch and watched a movie. When he lingered like he wanted to stay.. but nothing was said and he hugged me goodbye… hugged. hmm. I believe that he likes me. He told Alicia that it was complicated. He doesnt seem to have a girlfriend, wife, or any crazy baby mamma drama so how is this complicated? He says he might be moving to the middle of the state for a job. This is the only potential complication that I have been able to muster out of him. I am not scared of 3 hours. I really feel like this could be amazing. Now a major road block seems to be myself. Even with ample opportunity I still cannot find the words to just ask what is going on with us. Words out loud directly spoken to Jake cannot be taken back. It makes it real.
Just Breathe. November 8, 2009
So since my last blog nothing has progressed or degressed with Jake really which is frustrating to me. We still hang out in the social setting but thus far never alone. I have been the one to text and wonder what he is doing. He seems receptive because he has come and hung out with me and the people I have been with. I just wish that he would give me a chance. I dont understand. I thought that he was one of the nice guys who would actually call. But I guess that is my bad. I am not giving up. Being Patient is more like it. I know that there was more of a connection between the two of us than just a one night stand. Maybe I am wrong. Either way I can’t stop thinking about it and its frustrating.
A new favorite song. October 27, 2009
I’m Alive – Dave Matthews & Kenny Chesney
So damn easy to say that life’s so hard
Everybody’s got their share of battle scars
As for me I’d like to thank my lucky stars that
I’m alive, and well
It’d be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me, I’m alive
And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathin’ in and out’s a blessin’ can’t you see
Today’s the first day of the rest of my life
And I’m alive, and well
I’m alive, and well
Stars are dancin’ on the water here tonight
It’s good for the soul, when there’s not a soul in sight
But this boat has caught its wind and brought me back to life
Now I’m alive, and well
And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathin’ in and out’s a blessing can’t you see
Today is the first day of the rest of my life
Now I’m alive, and well
Yeah I’m alive, and well
crush. October 16, 2009
So a lot has happened since my last blog.
I know this guy named Jake. He was introduced through a friend of a friend and has become my friend. I think that Jake is a very cute and a genuinely sweet guy. I would like to know him better. There was a party going on in my house last friday. I got off work at 11pm and started the festivities even though I had to work at 830 the next morning. I began to drink Sangria from a bottle actually delicious, I had a few swiggs of Sailor Jerry that Jake brought over, and countless swishers swishing around the room. I was toasted. Jake made his way to the shin-dig about 1230am. Once cozily seated in the basement a friend asked if he was my boyfriend…without hesitation Jake says, ‘not yet’. This caught me by surprise. It made me giddy. As 3am rolled around Jake asked if he could crash at my place. I showed him to the library..we began texting..he came into my room. He held me so tight. Asked me when my days off were and we dozed off. somewhere in the middle legs intertwined and hands felt around and sparks flew. The morning came and it wasnt awkward. He said he would see me before he went to work for coffee…he did. He kept his word. We hung out on Sunday night and watched 2 movies and cuddled on the couch. He left quickly and abruptly..He gave me a hug and said he would call the next day. He texted in the morning and said he had somethings to do and he thought we should hang out later. Alicia and I headed to drews. Jake was there, it wasnt strange to see him there this is how i know him and how he knows me. Alicia headed to work Shana said she would give me a ride home so I stayed. We watched about 4 movies while we floated to the ceiling in an 8 hour time span.. He took me home. I went inside. I texted him and asked him, ‘was what happened between us friday night a drunk thing or are you interested in getting to know me?’ He responded that, ‘i would like to get to know ya better’. this is good right!? i thought so. Well its thursday and I havent heard from him. I do know that he is working 6 12 hour days in a row..and that his days off are set. I suppose I need to relax and be patient.. hm. I really like him. I havent felt this strange about a boy in a long time. I just want to know what is going to happen. I want to actually hang out with him and get to know each other. I want to know if he actually wants to get to know me. He says so, i believe him. my head is spinning.
anthony called me on friday. i didnt answer. he texted. twice. i did not respond twice. he texted sunday wondering if i received his texts. i did not respond. he texted Wednesday saying that i am disrespectful for not responding and that he won’t call or text anymore. i did not respond. he called me at the hotel while i was working. i was forced to talk. i thought that was uncool. at the end he said he would holla. i probably won’t answer/respond.
reality haze. September 30, 2009
I have 30 minutes left of my shift and I am tired. I didnt do anything really during my 8 hours here. The laundry was done. . . and thats about all that would occupy my time. So i have been surfing the web for about 7 hours. I watched The Hills and The City which took up an hour. Magically uninterupted. Usually when there is something I want to watch that is when the phone rings and the people walk in looking for a place to lay their heads. But not tonight. I was able to watch both episodes without pause. This is a cake job.
So… last weekend or so after a night of celebrating a co-workers 21st with drinks and drag queens I texted Anthony. I told him that I still wear the necklace he got me and that I hold it when I get scared. Now remember this text is sent out about 3am. I woke to the vague dream like memory of this event and 1 new message from Anthony. He asked if I was drunk and missing him and what I was scared of. I didn’t know what to say. I wish I had more words. I finally texted him back saying that I just get down on life and thats when the necklace comes into play and I asked him how he was. A one word answer of fine was replyed. I appoligized for bothering him. He said he was over it. this stung. A while later he asked me what I was trying to say to him. I told him that I was just saying that I think of him often. no response. I was relieved in a way but hurt all at the same time. This weekend while I was in MN after a few large glasses of Sangria I texted see it didnt matter. And he called. Left a message. I listened. My heart stopped. His voice. I havent called back. I dont know what to say. I still stick by my gut that I need to be alone but I miss him. I wonder what he is doing daily. I think of him throughout the day. I guess the thoughts are fewer and farther between but I still think of him daily. I have to believe its getting better.
I want to meet new people. I want to go on dates. Or at least make more friends. I am a fun person. Sometimes I freeze when in new situations. I should probably just shut my mouth and open my mind.
A great weekend September 29, 2009
This weekend Steph and I went road trippin’ to MN to see Carrie. She was married in the most perfect of ceromonies that fits her and her partner for life, Ryan. They were married a little less than a month ago in a adorable little town just past the river in IL. They had a quint backyard reception this previous Saturday. There were tea lighted masson jars lining the sidewalk that lead to the blue grass music filled backyard. Carrie made a guest apperance as a sax solist. Standing in her basement as she prepared for her impromt to solo it felt like times long past. My greatest memories from high school and some of my life are with the three girls who were standing around me. Carrie, Laura, Lori and I ruled our world one hilarious antic at a time! I am so proud of the women we all grew into. Even though we don’t see or talk to each other often it still makes my heart smile just to think of them. I had a great time.
Frustrated. September 23, 2009
I moved into a house with my sister, Liz who is 22, and our friend Steph who will be 20 in october. I am 26. I am over the petty bullshit that goes along with being younger. There seems to be building tension in our house and it has only been 1 week. Its over stupid shit like do we spend extra money and buy real curtians or do we save some money and buy nice looking sheets and hang those, or do where we should hang wall hangings. I have been asked a million questions about where things should go. JUST DO IT!! YOU LIVE THERE!! But not only do you live there SO DO I!! I am working 2 jobs right now. Not so I can spend extra money on curtians when sheets work just as well. I agreed to move into this house knowing I was going to save some money, not spend it. We signed a year lease and I won’t deal with this bullshit the entire time. Without loosing my cool or pissing someone off, I don’t know how to verbalize my frustration at this point.
Maybe it is selfish but I moved into a house with 2 girls not 2 girls and one of their boyfriends. I am not amused with her boyfriend to begin with but I also don’t want to see it for selfish reasons. I was looking forward to an enviornment where akward chit chat doesn’t have to happen.
I have also really been missing and dreaming about Anthony alot lately, which doesn’t help my mood. It has only been a month since we have stopped talking and I dont know how long it is supposed to take to not miss someoone amazing. I broke up with him, so I don’t know why I am hurting so badly right now. I am sure it has to do with my new living situation being fresh and uncharted. But I also think about the 5 years we spent together. Am I just suposed to forget all of that? I just can’t seem to relax.
f murphy and his law. September 17, 2009
1st off all I have to compleatly redo this post because murphy says f you kt.
This morning started the day as normal as usual. I got up out of bed with 25 minutes to spare before I had to leave for work. That gave me enough time to get dressed and toast my english muffin. I gathered my suitcases and prepared myself for my 16 hour day ahead of me. I went to the bucks and made myself a double tall pumpkin spice latte to waken my senses. Drank my water sang and danced with Amy LouWho to the Beatles. The day seemed to like me. I went on my 1st 10 and ate my oatmeal. Came back and cleaned plexi’s. At about 11am Amy sent me to lunch. I went just down the road to Hungry Hobo and got a #15 w/LTO and provolone. Alicia met me and she ordered a chef salad. We scarfed down our food rather quickly and headed out to our cars. I still had time so I moved my car closer to Alicia and we did what we do. With about 5 minutes to spare Alicia and I started to part ways. She headed to her car while I attempted to turn mine on. This failed miserably. I popped the hood and Alicia mentioned something about jumper cables but the battery isnt the issue considering my dome light was working along with the radio. As I tried to turn the engine over again it sounded promising then click click click. . . the starter. Great. Now this is not good news for anyone but it is perticularly unfortunate for my car. In may I was t-boned and the passenger side of my car is unusable, but the car as a whole is was still drivable. All I could do was cry. Luckily Alicia was there to rescue me and take me back to the bucks, because remember this was just my 30 minute lunch break. I walked back into the store with tears rolling down my face. I was pissed, sad, frustrated and nervous all at the same time. I work with amazing people who tried to tell me it was all going to be okay but all I could think about is the overwhelming realization that I might not have a car and I have two jobs. Smelly gave me a ride to the hotel and here I sit.
I am so frustrated with the financial aspect of this situation. I have fully paid off my car and about a month later I was t-boned. Now 4 months later and the starter goes out!? I have been financially irresponsible in the past. I just blatenly did not pay my bills. I overspent my checking account quite a bit because I refused to do simple math. Even though I have made these past mistakes I am taking full responsibility for the people I owe money too and have been for quite a while now. I have been barley keeping my head above water and now this happens. I believe in Karma and the fact that everything happens for a reason but I just don’t understand what I did or why.
my heart hurts. September 15, 2009
somedays i cant even imagine my life with anthony.
otherdays its all i can think of.
today.
my heart hurts.
